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Empty
I’m feeling so empty right now. Yeah I talk and text people when they text me. But behind all the smiles there is a sadness I carry with me constantly. I hate feeling like this. I just want to find that guy that’s ment for me. Doesn’t seem like I’m going to find him anytime soon =( and it hurts me.
my hearts emotion:
Gosh I hate that I’m feeling like this. I hate this feeling. This aching, hurting feeling in my chest. A long lost demon from my past returned last night, leaving me bare. I did something that I should have never done. It hurt then. But now it hurts more. It did feel better that I let it out, but I hurt someone in the process. Gosh how I hate this. I don’t know if I will be able to feel better at all now. I feel like I don’t deserve anyone. No one should be with a person that did what I have done. I cant make the feeling go away. I hurt and I just want to dig a whole and stay there for the rest of my days. With just my sorrow as a companion. With my pain and torment making me fall deeper and deeper into a depression that I have no idea how to get out of. Why did I do what I did? Why did I do it? Damn this world we live in, where the devil is always on your heals just waiting for you to trip over the obstacles that he has left. To enjoy himself when I do fall into temptation and hurt later after words. I hate this. I hate this feeling. This hurt feeling. This sorrow deep in my chest. The more I try to forget what happen that year, the more I remember. I just need to stop thinking. But that is all I find myself doing. Just drowning in my thoughts, in my worries. In my could of, should of, would of. But nope. So here I stay, thinking about the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my whole life. Wishing I could of said no. Wishing I could go back an change everything that happened! Damn it, I’m just so mad and upset with myself. I should have known better than to do what I did. But I did it anyway. I turned into something I told myself never to be. I will never do it again. I have learned my lesson. But now I have to suffer for it. Now I have to hurt forever more. I will have to live with the guilt.
My lifes journey so far…
I have come to a point in my life were I have seen and been through so much. I had to grow up to fast I feel. I settled down to early. Thus bringing me here. A point in my life I didn’t want to be. I’m alone with my son. No father in sight. The person who broke me down. Changed me into someone I couldn’t be anymore. But still here I am. At a point in my life that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Who am I? Who was I before I changed into this? I gave my everything to a person that didn’t appreciate what I gave them. Yes I have done things that were wrong. Yes I understand my faults. But I was not going totake the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse anymore. Then to have my son witness it. That was the worst. I lived that with my parents. I know how it feels first hand. I didn’t want that for him at all. But still here I am. A single mother. A young single mother trying to provided for my child, while trying to provided for my mother and siblings as well. I can only do so much before frustration and sorrow consume me and drown me in a depression so deep. So deep that I don’t have the strength to go on. But one look at my child keeps me going. But still here I stand. At this crossroads in my mind, or this stop sign. Just waiting. Wishing, hoping, and dreaming for something better for me. Better for my son. Better for our future. And wishing and hoping I will find the one that my heart really does belong to. But I still have to pick up some of the peices and put them together before I can let someone else break it again.
so im sitting at home just bored like always i guess and just thinking about life…life. something that you cant really avoid no matter how far and how hard you try to run from your problems…no matter how hard you try to hide things from everyone it will show…in the things you say and the things you do…see with me, i cant really hide the way i am feeling about certain things. i just wish that a lot of things could be different. i have the chorus to this song stuck in my head…”if only the airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars i could really use a wish right now wish right now wish right now…” but then i think about wat i would wish about…wat i want to be different wat i would like to change and i just come up with a million and one things and then i take it back…if the things that i lived hadnt happened where would i be right now? would i be happy sad or just completly more lost than how i am feeling now. but instead of me just sitting here and complain and ponder on the things that can or could have been. i should just go out and do it no regrets no lookin back. but how do u back out of something that you have had for almost four years. i feel its like a drug. the more i want to go away the more i want to go back and feel the high of things. but i feel that pretty soon that will all come crashing into me and leaving me more bare than wat i feel right now. but i guess i have to put my best foot forward and try as hard as possible to stare life in the eyes and tell it to do its worst, that i will be strong and survive everything it throws at me…cuz in life we have to be like a soldier, armed and ready for the fight to come……….
A heart in pain
Tired of getting pushed around. Tired of getting treated like crap. Yes I have made mistakes, but you have too. I am in constant pain, always having to prove myself worthy. I’m done. I am threw. I can’t let my heart suffer and the let you back in. This in and out of your life is getting old. I can’t deal with it no more. So it is time for change. I just hope I’m strong enough to actually leave you this time. And there won’t be no looking back.
I guess that I should get use to being alone. You keep leaving me. I finally have time to spend time with you and you want to go to the gym and do all these other things. I am just doen in the dumps and I want you to be with me and just sit with me and talk or watch tv or something. But no. Not really. Then you ask what is wrong with me. Figure it out. You know that I want to spend time with you. So I guess I will just sit here and read my book and look over my baby. *sigh*
Just a quick memo
Prisioner in my own home. In my own skin. I would never wish this sentence on anybody. Can leave to breath the fresh air. Can’t go and relieve yourself from the torture that has you trapped behind these 4 walls. How do I escape from such torment. Such emotional and mental abuse so that I can come up for air in this sea of dispear. But it’s hard to come up for air when the seas waters are so strong and demanding you to feel it’s torment. I wish I could awake from this nightmare. But I can’t, it’s real life I’m living. But I’m sure that something or someone will save me from the grasp of this dreaded place. Hooefully I will see the light again and be the person I so miss being.
